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A fighting humility
I just finished watching fight club. Aside from
its action/thriller fascade, its themes, of strength in masculinity and
fighting and humilty towards a greater cause, irrespective of whether
good or bad, really underpin a lot of thoughts that I have had during
my life as man. Giving up my life to adventure, to a greater cause, one
that challenges the question of my very existence is something I often
think about in great detail. I recall giving some advice to a good
friend the other day that was along the lines of 'who you are and what
you think are but a grain of sand on a beach with respect to the
vastness of God', while in the film Tyler's way of saying something
similar is a lot more vulgar; 'you're the all singing, all dancing crap
of the world'. What I said was not meant in any discouraging way but
rather a challenge that can only be realised through some form of
revelation and it takes a degree of strength and wisdom to come away
after hearing that with humility and the realisation that there is
actually no negativity implied. From this thought it can be taken that,
you as an individual have little control over your surroundings and the
world you live in and any attempt you make to control it is almost
futile; this is inferred in some of Tyler's mantras 'you are not the
clothes you wear, you are not the car you drive etc...'.
To find satisfaction, it is necessary to give your entire self over to
something greater; in the film this was a socialist vigilante group, in
reality that bigger thing is God and actually it might be just as hard
mentally to give up everything and join some underground militia as it
is to give up everything to God. I've certainly found this over the
last few months, that I've been in a place where I've had to give up my
rights to certain relationships and to my future career plans etc...
and give it all to God. I've certainly not achieved clarity in this
yet, but I've realised that it does require a lot of strength to be
humble before God and trust my life to him and his greater good. But I
can rest assured that wherever I do go from here will be an adventure 
I was gonna blog a bit more about other parallel themes I spotted in
the film, but I can't find the words and its late. But one thing I did
think of was how do women feel/respond to Fight Club?? I thunk this
after Tyler said 'you are a not pretty snowflake'....... If
this was said to a girl in the same context would she be a bit disheartened
rather than edified?? :S
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There are about 2,681,000 Squirrels in the UK: 2,520,000 grey ones and 161,000 red ones.
Squirrels moult twice a year, in late winter and in late summer. But
they only moult their ear tufts once a year (in late autumn).
I've not seen Sergei for a few months now. I left him a weetabix (well,
tesco's own brand wheat biscuit) for the last few days, the windows
were wide open but he didn't appear.
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Wild at Heart, Tame through Class.
I've been thinking today about how different people live in different
situations, sociologically. I feel that I am most myself and most at
home in a place where I have a few strong friendships, where, over the
course of a few years I have built up close relations with a few mates
and its always great to know that I have someone I can drop in at at
reasonable time. But I was thinking today about where I'm at and where
I might go from here. I've often thought, as the 'Wild at Heart' in me
projects, what it'd be like to travel indefinitely, or even uproot
myself (again) and place myself somewhere where I have no close
relation to anyone around me. I've met some really brilliant people
over the last few years who thrive on travelling, their independence
and on constantly meeting new people. The majority of which were Solo
musicians who have been travelling the world telling their tales
through the medium of song. Something inside of me jumps when I think
of travelling and living by the mantra 'wherever I lay my hat, that's my home'
but in reality I think it would be short lived, but nevertheless
exciting. I'm still trying to discover what kind of person I am (if its
possible to categorise oneself in such a fashion), am I a wanderer or a
settler. I'm undecided!!! But feel like I am ready for both. I think
ideally, these categories wouldn't be considered completely independent.
Tonights cell group was about acting justly, twas interesting overall
and I took a lot away from it. Something that has stuck in my mind
though, is the mention that actually our church (in soton) is full of
middle class people (much like my church in Cambridge) and that its difficult
to practice Social Justice or even realise it in a realistic sense
because the majority of the church are completely sheltered away from
it. There are projects run such as a refugee charity and a debt advice
service that may give a few volunteers the oppurtunity to meet people
who are 'in need' but otherwise the best we can do is buy fairtrade tea
and bank at the co-op. While these actions of Social Justice conscience
are paramount, I can't help but think that this distances us further
from where the real (social) action is, i.e. the hands on work, getting
along side 'undesirables' [sic], as Jesus did.
This links in with
thoughts I've written of above; the early church, I imagine, where much
in the same predicament, thus, they decided to give up their homes and
belongings in order to be in a position to reach out. Most of them
became 'wanderers' in order to fully engage in social action and to
meet people's needs. So, my thoughts of 'wandering' may not be just
about adventure and independence but perhaps could also be about Old
Skool Social Action.
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Growing up....
I'm having a tough time growing up at the moment, seems like the older we get, the harder things become and the further you grow away from people you once were close to...
On top of the last six months seemingly being the hardest and most challenging time of my life, I'm also in a place furthest away from my closest friends and family that I've ever been. Therein lies a difficulty thats really struck me tonight. Although I've not been in touch as much as I could have over the last couple of years, I still consider my mate Andy to be my best mate, which he has been since we were 4. I've not talked to him in a little over three months and was told today by another friend (who I'd not spoken to for over a year) that his father was seriously ill in hospital. My heart sank; where had I been?? Why had I not been in touch?? I phoned him and we caught up, his dad is recovering, but will be a while yet till he's on his feet.
Its difficult to tally up where all the time has gone. Its hard to accept that circumstances, situations and people change. I just wish that I didn't have to grow up... I figure that way, things would be much simpler and I might not have left behind, although it only felt momentary, those whom I grew up with.
Someone close to me said this, "it feels like it's always better to be on the rollercoaster, even if it's painful, because to feel is to be alive", I really admire this person, for many reasons, but particularly now, since they have ridden a much more volatile rollercoaster than I. But its true, although I can't feel it right now, I know I am alive.
I want to feel like the boy in the above picture. God is giving me the thumbs up, he is telling me it'll be ok, I've just not felt it absolutely yet.... Sorry for the gloomy entry, despite my current reflective mood, things are really picking up, God is doing something....
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IOA Spring Conference
Had a really good day at the Institute of Acoustics conference in Southampton today. I was acting as AV technician, which demanded very little of me and in return I got the chance to meet potential employers as well as being fed, entertained and educated
After a long day of talks and seminars and discussions of futures in Acoustics, the dinner theme for tonights meal was Caribbean, with 'Sound of Steel' sponsored by the National Physical laboratory It involved Jerk Chicken, lots of Rum and a Steel Drum Band. Then the evening was rounded off with an Acoustics themed Science Communication lecture, similar to those shown to school children to convey that Science isn't 'wack'. He made a clarinet out of a Japanese Radish, made an instrument using whoppee cushions and shattered a wine glass with sound... how cool!!
It's also been really challenging today... God's shown me that, through a few dramatic turn of events recently, that I really don't have a hold on my future... while I could try and dictate what I do or where I'll be, he ultimately has the final say. I had some pretty good plans for the future, albeit day-dreams, but God has his way of taking from underneath you what you feel most secure upon. As a result I was really challenged about a creeping feeling of wordly-security that lurked when talks with Arup were taking a positive skew towards my potential employment, not to say that I'd immeadiately turn it down if an offer came. I realised I really need to get a more absolute sense of this isn't it for at least two things in my life, one being my future job and a second, which has already been taken away. God's not said that these things are bad, in fact they are (and I hope they would be) good, but I totally need to put him first. "Seek first the kingdom of God" - Its fundamentals!
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The Perfect Remedy....
Today would have been our third year anniversary, but shockingly I spent tonight with another woman....
But it wasn't unsupervised, as Matt acted as chaperone and besides that, she remained at least 20 metres away from me all night......
Tonight I fell in love.... with her voice.
//// Imogen Heap //// Shepherds Bush Empire ///// 30/03/06
The whole concert was amazing. Lovingly put together by herself, you
could tell she loved every minute of it. This was her 'big London
show', and it gave for a great atmosphere with great independent music.
I really wish I could tell you how I felt when she sang 'Let Go', I
really don't think there are words to describe how (or why) I held my
breath as she sang it, or the inexpressible excitement mixed in with
complete relaxation that I felt. If she could sing that into my ear as
I fall asleep tonight I would sleep with a smile on my face for
years....
Suffice to say that seeing the concert tonight was the perfect remedy for a potentially sombre-felt day.
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